★   OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT PORTAL   ★
Designed by in New York.
[ PRESS ANY KEY — OR CLICK — TO CONTINUE ]
TOP SECRET // FULL SATIRE // MHF-47-OMEGA APPENDIX-B
𝙼𝙾𝙶𝚄𝙻 𝙳𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙷𝚂𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙰𝚃𝙾𝚁 // v2.4.7
ANALYTICAL ENGINE // FULL SATIRE
INPUT 01 // McDOUBLE CONSUMPTION
CURRENT
CONSUMPTION
LEVEL
BASELINE: 1
1102030
McDOUBLES/WEEK: 1
MAXIMUM
ABSURDITY
(CAP: 30)
TERMINAL
INPUT 02 // MYSTERIOUS INJECTIONS PER WEEK
MINIMUM
1/WEEK
BASELINE: 3
1234567
INJECTIONS/WEEK: 3
7/WEEK
MAXIMUM
REGIMEN
ASSISTED
PROJECTED SURVIVAL WINDOW
— MONTHS
APPROX. DEATH DATE
—
SURVIVAL PROBABILITY
—%
SUBJECT VITALS // DESIGNATE: MOGUL
DESIGNATION DONALD J. TRUMP
D.O.B. 14 JUN 1946
CURRENT AGE —
STATUS ◉ STILL ALIVE
BMI CLASS OBESE II
DIET PROFILE ULTRA-PROCESSED
SLEEP SCHEDULE IRREGULAR
EXERCISE GOLF (CART ONLY)
ACTIVE RISK FACTORS
CARDIOVASCULAR LOAD
LOW — CRITICAL
DIETARY TOXICITY INDEX
LOW — CRITICAL
MOBILITY IMPROVEMENT
POOR — PEAK
THUMB SPEED
SLUGGISH — RAPID
⚠ FULL SATIRE. This tool is a parody of predictive health analytics and is not based on medical science. No actual prognosis is implied. Consult a licensed physician for legitimate health projections. McDouble consumption data is entirely fictional. Sometimes Weekly // sometimesweekly.com
TOP SECRET // FULL SATIRE // MHF-47-OMEGA APPENDIX-C
𝙼𝙾𝙶𝚄𝙻 𝙷𝙰𝚂 𝙵𝙰𝙻𝙻𝙴𝙽: 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙶𝙰𝙼𝙴 // v1.0.0
CLASSIFIED SIMULATION // FULL SATIRE
SCORE: 0
WAVE: 1
LENGTH: 3
■ McDOUBLE +LENGTH     ■ INJECTION −LENGTH
MOGUL HAS FALLEN: THE GAME
↑ ↓ ← →  OR  W A S D  TO NAVIGATE
SWIPE OR USE D-PAD ON MOBILE
■ M  McDOUBLE — COLLECT TO GROW
■ +  INJECTION — COLLECT TO SHRINK
EACH WAVE: MORE McDoubles, FEWER INJECTIONS
[ PRESS / TAP / SWIPE TO START ]
⚠ CLASSIFIED SIMULATION. Navigate MOGUL through an ever-worsening diet crisis. Collect McDoubles to grow; collect mysterious injections to counteract. Waves increase McDouble density and reduce available injections. Full satire. Sometimes Weekly // sometimesweekly.com